:: It is not within me to be silent ::
Semi-regular filthy-minded misogynist rants coupled with philosophical treastises into the nature or gender politics. Though I'm not always right, I'm very rarely wrong.
Thursday, November 06, 2003 ::
Tuesday, November 04, 2003 ::
I would like to think I'm pretty normal. I have some odd things here and there about me, like my idiot savant theme song thing, but even my fetishes are pretty normal. Why bring this up?
I was at a bar with my friend Kenny, when a HOT woman walked by to go to the bathroom. I smiled at her and she smiled back.
Me: Damn, she was fine, bro! (Actually, I said Wowsers, that girl was certainly very fine, eh chap?)
Ken: Yeah.
Me: She had a boomin ass, great legs, big rack, a nice smile and pretty eyes! She was perfect.
Ken: She had nice feet.
Me: What the fuck?
Okay, far be it from me to judge the fetishes of others, but seriously, feet? Come on! Here's a short list of my fetishes:
1. When a woman wears a skirt with no panties. HOT! The Story of O book that Marci the Wonder Amazon got me for my birthday starts off with O in the back of a taxi, and her master telling her to slide her panties off. HOT! I've done that to girlfriends before, when I'm driving, asking them to open the vault. Is there anything better? I don't think so. And to go to a restaurant or just out together, with her sans the covering below, so that I have full access. The stuff dreams are made of.
2. Kissing: Yeah, okay, this is not that surprising a fetish but hells yes, I can do this for hours and just get hotter and hotter.
3. Dominating: Yeah. Nuff said.
4. Showers, tubs, lakes, kiddie pools, the fountain at the park, a sauna, whatever. Me, her, water, I'm good. I love this, when a girl is straight out of the shower, or when we're together in the shower, gets my motor running. Or pumping. Throbbing? Heheh, I said throb.
5. Long hair: Running my fingers through it, grabbing it, pulling it. Yeah. Oh yeah. Call me crazy, but long hair on a woman is one of the best things ever.
6. Garter belts and hose. I think I had a gentle talk with my libido while watching the movie Chicago. There were so many garter belts that I thought I'd overheat. This movie is awesome, for those who haven't seen it, and it has so many half-clothed women there that Paul was beginning to have issues.
7. Swallowing. *ahem* I've mentioned this, and I will stick by it till the day I die.
8. A nice, round posterior. A round rack helps, too.
I obviously wasn't very clear here, but my question was, why are feet erotic? I can explain why all of my fetishes exist and why I find them endlessly erotic, but ask someone about feet, and they have NO IDEA. For real. Daintiness? Bigness? What do you look for in nice feet? Toes?
Anyway, I have sucked toes. It's called shrimping, and I did it with the girl I dated at work, because she loved it. I didn't find it that gross, but honestly, it did nothing for me. She LOVED it, though, and any key to the most wonderful of places, the honeypot, is a key that I shall use, regardless of whether it turns me on or not. If a girl that I loved wanted me to dress up like a clown and spank her with a dead fish because it would turn her on more than anything else, someone grab me a red nose and some makeup. Any way that I can turn a woman on, I will try.
Fetishes are things that turn you on, right? Not like an obsession? I mean, I can live without any of these on a woman, if my only obsession with women being that they're beautiful, smart and funny. But I like women to do and have these things. They make me happy and excited. None of these are necessary for my sexual gratification, but they sure do help.
It's with a sad heart that I say that Stacey the Sinner, formerly located at http://www.staceythesinner.blogspot.com, is no longer blogging. Here is what she had to say: sorry to say it, but i disabled my blog. there just isnt any time for me to
post like i had been, and things here just are NOT that interesting. anyway, at some point in the future i may blog again, so you will of course be the first to know. and im still checking my email when my fuzzy little blond brain remembers, so keep on writing me if you're of a mind to!
Stacey rocked, she was one of the first peopleboredinterested enough to visit my blog. So, I raise a toast to her. To Stacey! You rock, sweetness!
Where were these handbooks when I was in school? WEll, now that I think about it, I didn't really need it. Everything I know I learned from porno
In September, a British government-funded charity, Family Planning Association, distributed a cartoon booklet teaching the joys of masturbation to a target audience of 9- to 11-year-old girls.
:: Paul 5:12:00 PM [+] ::
...
Monday, November 03, 2003 ::
As I've gotten older, I've had to face the fact that surprisingly, there are people out there who don't like me. Shockingly, some consider me to be abrasive. I believe it's because they don't get my pecuiliar brand of humor, or because they're stupid bitches. I will say that yes, I do strive to be abrasive and obnoxious, if only for the sake of making myself laugh. I am the end all be all of humor, because if I'm laughing, I don't care if someone else doesn't get it. I know that my sense of humor is filthy and disturbing. But I think it's funny.
The girl I dated at work said: Just watch out, I'll kill you.
I said: Just marry me, I'll kill myself.
And a girlfriend said: God, I drank too much last night, I feel like I'm going to die.
Me: Sweet, we'd finally be able to try anal sex! You wouldn't get mad if I sodomized your corpse would you? Of course you wouldn't, you'd be dead!
My friend at work: Man, it must suck to be a bird, all they do is eat, hop around, crap. They don't even masturbate.
Me: What? Birds masturbate.
Him: No they don't, how do birds masturbate?
Me: They wing it.
Girl I dated at work: Smile!
Me: I'm not going to waste my smile on you.
I think this is funny. Really funny. Okay, so there might be something wrong with me, but still...
Hi, my name is asshole, I drive a HUGE F-350! I will cut you off twice, because you're in a dinky little saturn station wagon, and therefore, don't deserve my big truck respect.
You know, if all that this person had done was to cut me off, I could forgive. People piss me off, but I don't hold a grudge. But.
This fucking jizzrag stopped dead, STOPPED DEAD after going 45 in a 35. Why, you ask? Were there ducks crossing the road? A bevy of schoolchildren? Perhaps Santa and the Easter Bunny were pirouetting across the road in front of their huge truck? Toxic waste spill? Nuclear accident? A coffin ejected from a hearse?
No, of course not. It was a box. Dangerous, dangerous cardboard. This bitch actually stopped dead because there was a box in the road in front of them. In their 3 ton F-350., that they probably take offroading on weekends, tearing up precious wetland and green covered earth, destroying trees and the homes of animals. A FUCKING BOX! YOU. FUCKING. PUSSY!
After they veered into the next lane, cleverly waiting until there was someone already there, as to send them spinning into the curb, they pulled ahead and sped away at about 55 in a construction zone.
Whereas I simply hit my gas and lightly pushed the empty box aside as I kept driving. It's probably not very smart to keep driving after I've tapped a cardboard box lightly with my car, but dammit, I'm a rebel!
I will say this. I thank God today for making me poor, because if I had the money for a gun, I would have killed this trucking asshole. Killed them and then set their huge fucking truck on fire and pissed on their burning corpse, after which I would then set it afire again, drink 4 bottles of water and then proceed to piss a second time.
I told the new girl, D, these jokes. She laughed at the first one, laughed at the third one, but the second one, of which I'm the most proud, she said "Oh, that's just gross." I said "But that's my sense of humor, gross but funny, right?" "No", she replied, shattering my hopes into pieces, "It's just gross."
Ouch. Yeah, it's gross, but dammit, I think it's hilarious! These are the kinds of jokes I make ALL THE TIME. This may be a problem in the future.
:: Paul 9:03:00 PM [+] ::
...
I spent my halloween with my new girl, hanging out at her place. I met her parents and brother. We played pool, which I SUCKED at, new table, didn't have my stick, easily distracted by her bending over, etc, just believe one of my lies, please. We ended up watching 5 Deadly venoms, one of the greatest kung-fu movies EVER, however it was a horrible transfer to DVD, the title wasspelled wrong on the disk! How stupid can you get? Afterwards, I beat her in Yahtzee, Boggle, then Battleship. Because I'm so badass. And, of her own free will, no asking by me, she gave me an oral argument with a happy ending. Very happy ending. The gulp. However....
The name of the new girl is D. She is a mixed bag of good and bad. Here
are the two sides of her coin.
The Agony:
1. She has man hands. Seriously. I didn't notice until she painted her fingernails. I've been holding her hands on and off, since we started dating. But last Friday night, I really, really noticed. I guess I expected her hand to be as dainty and small as she is, but boy was I disappointed. At least her feet are small and dainty. I had no idea I could be this shallow, but dammit, MAN HANDS!
2. She's hairier than me. This isn't difficult, and in fact, almost all of my girlfriends have had more hair than me. Which is not to say that I date werewolves or hideous mutant bearded lady freaks, just that 90% of the population of the US has more hair than me. I'm wondering if I'll ever find a woman with less hair than me, this side of the girls of Chernobyl and the hotties who like to shave EVERYTHING. But who wants a bald girl?
3. The pants. She has these hip cool pants that are like balloons on her. They're horrifically ugly, the most disgusting things I've ever seen. I hate them. They are incredibly unflattering and they make me want to destroy. They're like a skirt, only on two legs, and they drag on the ground in a way that can only be described as sloppy and slovenly. I want to set them on fire. Not with her in them, just to watch them burn.
4. She disapproves of my drinking. She has a father who was once an alcoholic. But I find her disapproval a matter of trust, she doesn't trust that I wouldn't become one, which bothers me. I can see why she'd worry, I understand her fear, but I am not able to become an alcoholic, if only because of my acid reflux disease. I also recognize that it runs in my family and I refuse to become a slave to the bottle. As such, I don't drink that much nor that often, but I do drink. And I do enjoy it. I was so worried about becoming an alcoholic after my friend died that I stopped completely. So I think she's got nothing to worry about, but she thinks that she's better safe than sorry. Though it's still early in our relationship for this to be a problem, I could never invite her to pool night with me and my dad, cause we drink and talk and play pool.
5. She's young. 19. Yeah, I'm hitting some barely legal stuff. I feel a little weird about it, but I do like her, and she's fun. And it's plain that she's never had a good man in her life, cause she's head over heels for me, and we're only just dating. I don't want this to turn into fatal attraction, though it's possible because I'm an awesome dude and no doubt the best guy she's ever dated.
6. I don't really feel a lot for her. This is not her fault. But it's just that she's falling for me completely, and I'm just kinda coasting. I like her. But it will never be a great love, a passionate love. It'll just be fun, for however long it lasts. Is that bad of me? Am I using her? I know I'm only seeing her because I'm lonely, and there aren't really any sparks, but she's fun. I kind of feel like she's a project, I feel a bit like Henry Higgins with Eliza Doolittle, an experiment that blew up in my face with the evil idiot girl at work, Fistlisa. This is not why I'm interested in her though, this was not the reason I decided to see her, but it does feel as if I were helping her through something. I don't see her as a project, but I can't shake the feeling that she is.
7. She's condom only, even when I pass a blood test. I hate this idea. For real. I hate condoms. They're like... a wetsuit in a sauna. What's the point? I understand the need for safe sex, really. Did I not just post about how women should insist their men practice it? And I meant every word of that. She ism, however, on birth control, although I don't and won't mind the condoms at first, though there is an issue of me reaching the nirvana. We'll work through it, though. I'd rather have her happy and feeling safe than unhappy and scared, you know?
The Ecstacy
1. She's fun. We smile and laugh and giggle together, she's kind of klutzy, which I find endearing.
2. She's sweet, she's already made me a necklace with a fox, my spirit animal, and she We both like movies a lot and I can get her to read comics so we'll have even more to talk about.
2. She swallows. Words can't describe how important this is to me. I could explain it. But i don't want to, and don't think I should have to. Just take my word for it ladies, it's the bees knees and is integral to me.
3. She and I have a sweet hunger. It's like a need. While there may not be sparks, there's definitely fire. Whether it's the desparate clutch of two lonely people, or the white heat of pure sexuality, I don't know. Either way, when I'm with her, I want to be with her, biblical style.
4. She's really pretty, with a great smile and solid grey eyes like oceans, they contain depths unexplored.
5. She is very sexual. Not at all ashamed of her wants or needs. She's happy and proud of her sexuality. This is hot! I appreciate women like this, who aren't shy about it.
6. She enjoys the weirder things in life, my horrifically disgusting sense of humor, my love of horror movies, comic books, cartoons and such.
7. She's got no extremes to her personality. This is very important. She is not extremely happy, sad, angry, melancholy, nothing. She's mellow. Good mellow, like mellow yellow.
Conclusion: Not enough information, but it doesn't look like a complete match. I doubt this relationship will last very long.
Okay, I know I'm an arrogant bastard who thinks hes a lot smarter he looks. Well, I am smart. But I'm also absent minded. And currently, I'm driving illegally. See, in the states, we have to register our car every month and get a little tag to put on it. And we have to have the title of our cars in our names. I have neither of these. Because I seem to have misplaced my title and registration. And I have no idea where they are. because of this, I am driving illegally, and will continue to do so until I find and fix it. But uh.. I have no idea where I put them. I remember looking at them, in fact, not too long ago. But what I did with them after the fact, I have no clue. How does this make me feel? Like a total stupid asshole. This is not the first time that I have misfiled or lost important information. I wasn't able to apply for financial aid for school because I lost my tax information once. Stupid? No. Absent-minded? Yes.
I saw 2 and a half movies this weekend. The Shadow, which was cheesy but fun, Dream for an Insomniac, which was fantastic, and the not so great Serendipity. Annoying. I haven't finished watching it, because Kate Becksindale's creepy flighty character irritates me so much, I want to slap her. Or choke her. I don't advocate violence against women, but I would have cheerfully kicked her in the goolies if she was so difficult with me. Speaking of that, though, I watched a FASCINATING documentary on professional wrestling and it's effect upon men and women. Holy shit, I had no idea it was so incredibly sexist. Yeah, I like seeing boobies as much as the next guy, but this... There was a woman who got knocked out by a man, he elbowed her or something stupid like that. The man the proceeded to mount her, then force a kiss on her. The announcers said "She deserved it!" and "She's enjoying it, look at her." while this (obviously not really) unconcious woman was assaulted. Fucking disturbing. And that was just the beginning of the degrading things done to women on the show. There were also testimonials from men and women saying that the women of the show deserved to be beaten upon, in domestic violence scenes. I was more than a little horrified. I just wish I knew the name of it.
When is it okay to really get pissed off? Bad wait service? Loud smelly kids kicking you? How about when someone cuts in front of you in the express lane with 30 packages, instead of the clearly stated 10-15? Is it okay then to feel the need to shatter kneecaps? Is it right of me to grab the cart that the 30 items are in and fling it away with all my strength (Admittedly not far, but anger grants power!), then gently apply pressure to the person's instep till it cracks like drywall? Am I right in thinking that I should teach this person in the most severe way that this behavior is not tolerated in our polite society by destroying something they find precious, like a kidney or a small dog? If it is, please tell the police that. They are not as understanding as you. And can someone spare me some cash for bail?
And HAPPY BIRTHDAY POB!, you mad writing genius bastard! You give me a serious psychological complex and a questioning of my talent every time you post. Folks, every one of you should read Pob, he writes like a director of the movie of his life, with a lot more poetry and humor. He always makes me laugh and feel good, which makes him one of the greatest people alive. You can't read Pob and not feel like his best friend, sitting around the table with him, a beer in your hands as he spins a tale to make you smile.
:: Paul 2:53:00 PM [+] ::
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