:: It is not within me to be silent ::
Semi-regular filthy-minded misogynist rants coupled with philosophical treastises into the nature or gender politics. Though I'm not always right, I'm very rarely wrong.
Sunday, July 06, 2003 ::
So I was awakened at 8:00am on a frigging Saturday morning by my friend Dave, whom we call Lonesome Dave or, alternately, Plump Fiction. Lonesome cause he's the loneliest human being alive, a man of constant sorrow. Plump fiction cause he's a big man who is also a movie fan.Saturday, July 05, 2003 ::
Anyway, he asked me what I was doing, I said I was going to the Tastefest, asked if he wanted to go, but he wouldn't, because it's in Detroit. Too many colored people around, he breaks out in hives.
The tastefest was amazing, I had:
1. Swordfish, Albacore, Salmon, and some other fishies. Wonderful!
2. Portobello Steak fries, which is just one big portobello mushroom chopped up, breaded and deep fried. I almost ejaculated upon the first bite.
3. Teriyaki Chicken on a stick! A stick people!
4. Gazpacho soup, a cold soup which is like a V-8 but not as salty. Only okay.
5. Cucumber soup, also served cold but with cucumbers in cream. Only okay.
6. Masumun, a creamy curry powder soup type mixture with potatoes, chickens, and onions. Tasty, but too spicy for me. Served over rice.
7. A harp ale beer, nice flavor but with a hoppy aftertaste. I actually threw some away!
8. Cinnamon roasted almonds!
All in all, I tasted a lot and spent about 25.00. I can't recommend it enough. I also bought a Detroit Magnet, and got a lot of cool postcards.
And my friend Andy died. Yes. I know this is the middle of the post. But just like real life, I didn't want to think about it for fears of tears. It doesn't seem real, though I cried for about an hour when I found out. I still haven't accepted it, and probably won't for a long time.
We ended up going to the bar, my dad, my brother, his girlfriend, (whom I bought a gift at the fest, a blue dolphin inscence thing cause she loves incense).
Eventually we ended up at Polish Village in Hamtramck, where I had meatballs and mashed potatoes, Kapusta (saurkraut), and some good bread. Oh and a Polish beer that was fantastic, called Lejzeska. So tasty.
My dad had my brother drive us in his 1940 Chrysler, which has no turn signals, seat belts, disc brakes, air conditioning, but is a beautiful car. People whistle and cheer when you drive by. I'll post a picture maybe.
It was fun.
:: Paul 11:41:00 AM [+] ::
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Well, I did one of the things listed below,and then went to a party. There was a strongbad storm this morning that blew branches off trees all around my house, the same one that hit Boz, but not as bad. After it hit, I went to eat and play pool at the Wheat and Rye. Good stuff. I ended up playing against the waitress, who kicked my ass! I thought women were weaker at geometry than men? I've been totally lied to! She gloated when she won too, which would have made me laugh if I wasn't the fucking loser.Friday, July 04, 2003 ::
Afterwards, I went to a party, drank my first ever sip of Grand Marnier, and then had 1/10th of a margarita. Man, that shit is tart! Or tangy. Or bitter. Whatever. Nasty. We blew off the weakest fucking fireworks ever. They were cheap and nasty, sparks and such, a couple of pops. Meanwhile people around us are firing mortar shells from their backyards and detonating hydrogen bombs. I now know how the men with small weiners feel. Inadequate, compared to the incredibly large explosions of light, sound, other dimensions.
And the conversation turned to firsts, as I recalled my first groped booby. Ah, wonders of wonder, I can still feel it in my hand, soft like a wonderful pillow filled with love. It was a friday night, a girl named Jamie B. was with me in the living room. We began wrestling, I got behind her to wrap my arms around her, expecting nothing more than the closeness of her body to mine, but my left hand slipped. REALLY! And closed upon her breast. Ah, heavenly.
In trying to stop me, though, she pushed her butt back into my crotch. Talk about the world's best discouragement! So of course, I slid my right hand up to her other breast. In order to make sure that what my left hand felt was true. It was. Jamie B, wherever you are, I hope your life is as wonderful as the thousands of fantasties I had with you in the starring role. She was blushing as much as I was over the whole situation, and I can still picture her as she looked that moment, blonde (with an E, cacoa) hair lightly falling in her eyes, rosy blush upon her freckled cheeks, bright blue eyes shining as she smiled at me.
Memories are the best thing ever to happen to man. Could you imagine being a fish and forgetting everything 2 minutes after it's happened to you?
Addendum: Apologies to Mo for making fun of her favorite gross beer, Corona. It was not a slur to you, queen of the Corona, but the beer itself.
:: Paul 3:26:00 AM [+] ::
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My taste in beer has been called into question by Mo, who, wonderful though she is in all other ways, takes offense at my calling Corona nasty. Seriously people, Corona is nasty, it's not really beer. It's like a bunch of guys drank beer and then pissed in the bottle and sold it. I've had lots of beers, I usually prefer a lager, I like Canadian beers a lot, though most of them aren't made in Canada anymore. Give me a Molson, Canadian or Golden, or if I'm feeling naughty, an XXX. Not a fan of Ice beers, though I do drink Molson Ice on a dare, it leaves me feeling like a donkey shat in my head the next morning. I like Labatts if I can't get Molson, but I really, really don't like Mexican beers. No Negro Modelo, no Corona.Thursday, July 03, 2003 ::
I HATE Budweiser, it's more like water than water. I like Pabst Blue Ribbon, baby, one of the few domestic beers that I enjoy. There are some potent beers that I've tried, like Sierra Madre, Guinness Stout and Pete's Wicked Ale, but man, too much hops is a killer for me. I like a smooth beer, with flavor, but not overwhelming. I've had a hundred different Michigan beers, but for the life of me I don't know the names of them all. I've tried every one of these. Good beers, but not the best. Nothing spectacular. I could make a more complete list, but I just drank 7 Labatts at the bar and I'm feeling it.
This weekend I'm either going to:
a. The Tastefest - Cause I'm all about new foods
b. Greenfield Village - Cause I likes the old stuff.
c. 28 days later - Cause horror is good stuff, and good horror is gooder stuff
d. The beach - Cause I need to tan my right arm, my left arm is darker from hanging it out the window when I drive.
e. See a play Cause I like plays, bitch.
f. Wheat and Rye - Cause I like pool and sports while I eat and drink GOOD beer.
g. The Concert of Colors - Cause you know, I'm all about color.
h. Go see Second CIty - Cause I likes to laugh
i. Go to Planet Ant - Cause it's a play, it's in Hamtramck, and it's cool.
j. Probably eat at Gandhi - Cause I likes the Indian Food, and Mahatma was a total pimp.
Oh, and my friend, heretofore nameless, is named Andy Figas (his real name, cause fuck, I need all the love I can get for him) if anyone feels the need to pray for me or pray for him, please feel free. He is still in the same condition. I get through my day by not thinking about him or his current state. It's tough, but I do it. Oh, and another mutual friend of Andy and I, called me at work today, almost made me crap my FTL (Fruit of the Looms) because I thought for sure he was calling me to tell me bad news about Andy. Turns out he just wanted to talk! Bastard! I spent an hour shaky and terrified that something had happened to the aforementioned Andy. False alarm, though I'm going to see him tomorrow in the hospital, to tell him that he has to get better cause he hasn't seen the Hulk, hasn't seen League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, and has to find out what happens in Robert Jordan's Dragon Reborn series. Whether it'll matter is up in the air, I'm still going to bitch to my currently in a coma friend, because I'm that kind of jackass. Yeah, okay, he's a comic book and fantasy dork like me, but shit, he'll kick your ass. You fuckers think just because a guy reads comics he can't start some shit!? - Brodie, Mallrats.
:: Paul 3:26:00 AM [+] ::
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Can someone answer a question for me? Say you're driving on the freeway, you're going 80, though the speed limit says 70. Suddenly, the guy in front of you sees a cop. Why, in the name of GOD, do they slow down below 70? Why? I never do. Shit, most of the time I'll cut it down to 75 and just blur right along. What's the big deal? 70 is the speed LIMIT! Do they think that going below 70 will make the cop lose interest, forget they might have been speeding? No, the cop just doesn't care unless you're breaking 90! So why go below the limit?Tuesday, July 01, 2003 ::
I often wonder if other people are as bored with their jobs as I am. I mean, I DO NOTHING all day. I'm too good at what I do. Too fast. All I really do is enter orders all day long, call people up, fix problems. This does not take 8 hours of work in a day. So I spend most of my time on the internet, reading news or emailing. I email upwards to 300 times a day. If not for the fact that I would feel weird, I'd be posting on this here blog constantly. Weird because I'd be typing like a madman. I have to make what little work I get last all day long.
What's so gross about finding a hair in your food? I mean, I wouldn't want to, and I'd send it back, but some people act like it's a biological hazard. It's not the worst thing to find in your food, it's not a bug, finger, nipple or something gross. It's hair. It'll happen people, lighten up. Get it caught in your throat, sure, that's a little bothersome, but it's not hopping up from your plate to attack your eyeballs or screaming every time you poke your fork into it. It's a hair! Unless you find a toupee in your meal, get over it, get a new one!
Shaving sucks. Really. I spent a majority of my life, up to 23, not having to shave at all! So wonderful! And now, if I don't shave semi-regularly, my crustache and un-beard, end up all gross, patchy and tangly looking. I would love to get electrolysis on my face, get rid of all of it. Which reminds me, do they have home electrolysis kits? Wouldn't that be cool to permanently remove hair in the safety and comfort of your own home? Of course, some jerk would try and do it in the shower and ruin it for all of us.
You know what else I hate? Paying money and being ignored. Good god, for the longest time, my last girlfriend and I would go to restaurants, sit down, order, then be completely ignored by the wait staff. I've saved thousands in tips. And before someone leaps to the defense of the food service worker industry, let me say that they aren't busy, I see the wait staff sitting around, talking, watching tv, while my drink goes unfilled, my plate sits there empty, etc. I bring this up because my friend took his car to the dealership, and the mechanics did nothing... for 2 weeks! What a crock! I told him that he should have beaten the crap out of everyone there. I woudn't have, unless I was really pissed off, but still.. or he should tell the Better Business Bureau.
:: Paul 9:22:00 AM [+] ::
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There's been a run on chips in the Detroit area.
Bag of Chips Contains More Than Munchies
DES MOINES, Iowa - A woman bought a bag of potato chips at a convenience store but discovered more than munchies in the bag.
Lois Campbell, 42, of Des Moines, opened the small sack of Uncle Ray's garlic-flavored chips Saturday and found another bag inside.
"We were eating a few of the chips, and I was about to give some to a 3-year-old child," Campbell said. "I thought it was a little bag of seasoning inside. When I saw what it was, I called the police."
A police report said the contents of the heat-sealed bag smelled like marijuana.
The leafy substance — and the chips — were seized as evidence.
The Git-N-Go store where Campbell bought the snacks has taken the rest of the Uncle Ray's chips off its shelves, said Mandi Lockridge.
The chips were packaged in Detroit, Lockridge said.
"To find out what was in there, they will have trace it back to Detroit," she said.
Man, Thora Birch's breasts have gotten me 2 hits already. I wonder who else's breasts could get me hits? Natalie Portman's breasts? Alicia Witt's breasts? (I wish.) Free sex movies? My ex-girlfriends love to take hot facials. Especially at a spa.
:: Paul 8:18:00 PM [+] ::
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I post this because I think it's prettty good, and I have had relationships fail because of 10, 5, 3 and *ahem* 1.
Top 10 relationship wreckers
by Shawn Croft, for AskMen.com
Whenever you break up with someone, it's normal to begin questioning behavior; you may wonder, for example, whether there were things that you could have done to avoid the split -- or if there were ways in which you might have hastened its arrival. If your current relationship is on the rocks, here are 10 things that might be at the root of your problems:
10. Looks that kill
Solid, long-lasting relationships are about far more than physical appeal. But men and women like eye candy, and if you are not attracted to your partner, chances are you will face an uphill battle. Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but if that beholder's eye is wandering, his feelings might not be far behind.
9. Someone else
Whether you want to admit it or not, the root of a relationship problem could very well have nothing to do with you. If your significant other is fancying someone else, then nothing you do can salvage the relationship until the third wheel is detached (unless she is interested in this someone else solely as a result of your lack of attention).
8. Lack of quality time
What you get out of relationships is a function of what you put into them, and if you refuse to spend time with one another, then chances are you are living on borrowed time. (And by "quality" I mean actually interacting with one another, not simply nodding and staring blankly.)
7. Distance
Long-distance relationships can work, and very well at that -- after all, absence can make the heart grow fonder. But there's also the "out of sight, out of mind" scenario, so be careful not to take things for granted. Call often, exchange email and trade pictures; go the extra mile and send her a homemade video to rekindle that old magic despite the miles. (Okay, maybe not THAT kind of video ...)
6. Goodbye to romance
Women love romance, as do men. Even if the respective definitions differ according to each gender, the genuine desire to feel loved and love someone in return is universal. Say goodbye to romance and you'll undoubtedly suffer the consequences.
5. I want your sex
Sex is a culmination of feelings, lust, love, and affection. It may take time to build up the right moment and sensations, but unless there is an improvement in communication, mutual satisfaction and a primal desire to please one another, your relationship will be shaky at best. Rock one another's world -- it can serve to patch things up and create a spark.
4. Jealousy
Jealousy stems from a lack of trust, a sense of possessiveness and paranoia. It can kill a relationship in a heartbeat. The problem with jealousy is that it represents an uphill battle on a slippery slope; no matter how much you try to gain traction, you end up slipping faster and further down.
3. Communication breakdown
I cannot stress this enough: relationships must be an exchange, a balance between two people and two perspectives. Next time you would like to say something but choose not to, remember that you are suffocating your love and stunting its growth.
2. Once a cheater, always a...
Infidelity sucks, as that moment of lust and passion will inevitably lead to remorse, pain, guilt, and tears for the other person. It also engenders a lack of trust and eternal resentment within the relationship. Best-case scenario: the person takes you back but throws it in your face when you most expect it. Worst-case scenario: they don't get mad -- they get even.
1. Noise
Noise is not just excess sound; it is anything that comes between the two of you. It could be family, friends, exes... any uncontrollable variable that tries to hinder your relationship. Eliminate the noise before you get elimidated.
Relationships need to be nurtured in order to grow. Just like people, when relationships are sick, there needs to be a diagnosis of the problem before finding a cure. Find out what the symptoms are, try to determine the cause, face it, address it, deal with it, and only then will you be able to make your relationship a long-term success.
:: Paul 8:04:00 PM [+] ::
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Some sad shit
My grandfather died in bed. With a hooker. Seriously. He was 75, I think. He had died once before, in his truck, pronounced dead on the scene, then later revived on his way to the coroners. My dad wanted him to sue, but he was uninterested. He was quite a man. As for the hooker thing, it's the way I want to go, too. Preferably with my wife in the middle of a clench, but a hooker is good, too. I hope I'm 1/3 the man he was when he went.
Death is on my mind today, in all its myriad ways. It's such a finality, even those who believe in a reward or punishment in the end have to admit that the only people to tell us about what is on the other side, are all still alive. I don't want to think about it, but it's all I can consider right now.
Ergo, there is no other side, or, there is only reincarnation.
I fear death, and with every passing of anyone that I even remotely know, it's like death is closer and closer. I feel like I'm on a board game, and each piece that gets knocked off the board brings death a little nearer to me. I hate death, the very idea that life should be so final disturbs me. The idea that we get one lifetime to do the things we want and need offends me. It's the cosmic joke syndrome, that life should be so valuable and short for some, yet so cheap and long for others. I am a huge coward, I'll slow down if I see someone put their brakes on in the other lane... 200 feet ahead!
I'm so fucking sad. I really rarely get depressed or sad or low or anything, but this is kicking my ass. This is my best friend. I feel so fucked up and lost. Every time I think of it I get close to tears, proving to the world that I'm a big old pussy. I try to be more upbeat and not down or somber while I'm at work, or around the family. I don't know if I'll be able to do that today, but we'll see. I'm going to see him after work.
I hate having to lean on anyone. I hate telling anyone my problems or having to deal with anyone. I know I love it when people need or want me, but I have having to want or need anyone else. Especially when things are bad. I can be there for others but I don't want anyone to be there for me. I don't want to depress anyone else or get anyone else in the place where my head is at. This blog is wonderful for so many reasons, chief among them is that I can be honest and express my feelings, get some people to tell me they feel bad, and then go on. I don't have to deal with anyone else other than electronically. This is perfect for me. I can get comfort without feeling that I've ruined anyone's days or anything like that. I don't have to feel like I'm leaning on anyone, because I've never met them and probably never will.
And I did see him after work, and it was worse than I could have imagined. More than a fear, worse than a nightmare. This is my best fucking friend, and all I can think of is that he won't make it. I've started praying, I am a Christian, but I'm not very good at it. I end up railing at God and then appealing then screaming again.
Some happy shit
I think I'm losing my pimpitude.
Seriously. My luck with women is rapidly becoming the exact opposite of luck. Unluck. I used to have women approaching me, attempting to talk to me, handing me their phone numbers. Nowadays, nothing. I'm high and dry. I don't even get a second look. Either I've gotten uglier or women have gotten pickier. Maybe it's time for a change. I'm thinking of shaving my head and getting contacts. Or something new and drastic. My lust has grown, which I think is directly transverse to what I was expecting. I thought that my urges would disappear after a while, instead, they've grown. It's not like it's been that long, what, 2 months? And yet, man, my meat-sabre swells when the wind blows. I'm constantly thinking about sex with a variety of women in a variety of ways. My thought of beauty has grown expotentially as well.
Allow me to explain. It used to be, only the most beautiful, funniest, smartest women would even get my attention. Nowadays, she could pick her nose and rub it in her hair and I'd say "Hmm, but she was so ladylike when she did it." or worse. I find myself making excuses for women, ie "well, I'm sure she's not really crosseyed, that's probably just a lazy eye., or "She's very pretty, until she smiles. I'll just make sure she doesn't smile." or the fabulously worse "Sure she doesn't know who the president is, but she's got a great ass."
And again, when I'm quiet today because I'm a little sad, people comment on it. I swear, people complain that I talk to much, so when I clam up, they claim I'm talking too little. I can't win!
Man, I haven't really cooked anything in a long time. I mean, I've cooked, but mostly small things or quick things. I have about a million recipes that I want to try, but part of it is that I hate getting in my roommates way when I cook, as I would if it was anything elaborate. I hate that, the feeling that my roommate, also the homo-ner, is annoyed with me for doing something wrong or being in the way. So I think twice before I do something or make something or cook something.
Hahaha, someone got to my page by looking for Thora Birch's breasts. I love this world.
Okay, I'm freshly back from the bar. Yes, my best friend is in the hospital with liver and kidney failure and I went to the bar. It wasn't completely selfish, if I didn't get drunk, I'd end up crying for hours. My brother, the man I call "the asshole" took me to the hospital to see the man that should have been my brother, and then took me to the bar afterwards to help me forget what I'd seen. I don't know that I could thank him enough. This is far more than I ever expected. And also, as a surprise, the girl at work who I dated, and now hates me, was actually... sweet. And nice to me, when I told her. I was shocked, I was expecting her to be a total fucking bitch, but she was nice and sympathetic. Not at all what I was expecting. It almost made me cry just to see that she wasn't treating me like shit.
:: Paul 1:44:00 AM [+] ::
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